If at any point this post triggers you in any way, please please do not feel obliged to continue to the end. Feel free to put it aside and come back later. Feel free to put it aside indefinitely. That’s ok! Don’t feel like you have to read it at all if it will not be in your best interest. [Trigger and content warning: this post deals with severe depression and suicidal ideation.] Crisis numbers are listed at the end of the post.
Take care of you. You are important. You matter. You are enough.
I’m beginning to feel safe and myself enough to tackle what I’ve been going through recently. I’ve had to take several steps back from writing to take care of myself, but now I think I need to write about it so I can move on.
I’m just now coming out from behind a wall of clouds. I’m not “out of the woods” quite yet, but I can now see the edge of the forest and know that I can make it there.
About a month ago, my doctor started me on a new medication. I was really excited to be taking it, as it can help with a lot of symptoms I experience from a chronic illness. The first week or so, everything was fine and I was feeling optimistic and ready for the exciting changes. The second week, I noticed I was having strange bouts of moodiness and mood swings. I noted the change in my psychotherapy session and my therapist immediately questioned my new medication as it can affect hormones. We decided to keep an eye on it and see where things went…
By week three, there was an abrupt and terrifying change in my mental state. I began to experience sudden bouts of extreme, deep depression and suicidal ideation (thoughts about death and/or suicide without intention or a plan). It was especially bizarre because I’d experienced clinical depressed before as a teenager; I went through a period of time when I was about 13 or 14 when I never thought I’d feel happy again. But I haven’t been truly, clinically depressed for 15 years and this depression was so, so vastly different.
I experienced what I described to the alarmed nurse over the phone as “these bouts that feel like clouds coming in front of the sun, then pulling away again.” Darkness and utter hopelessness, followed by moments of clearheaded certainty that something was very, very off in my brain. I’d be tackled with soul-crushing, agonizing, deep sadness and hopelessness followed by “normal” brain functioning where I would reel from the shock of being so devastatingly knocked off my feet. Needless to say, the nurse called me back immediately with instructions from my doctor to stop the medication and either go to the ER or call 9-1-1 if I was in any danger. Because I was in direct communication with my therapist, in a safe location, and knew the difference between suicidal ideation and intent, I was able to remain out of the hospital until I could visit my doctor’s office with an emergency walk-in appointment.
There were several things that set this experience apart from the clinical depression I experienced as a child:
- This has been a strange in-and-out depression that slams me to the ground at the most unexpected times. As a teen, I experienced a numbing, near-constant depression. As I mentioned before, this has been vastly different. The episodes have been tapering off in frequency and intensity in this last week, but will probably continue for at least another week or so until the medicine is completely out of my system.
- The fear that this isn’t medicine-based at all, but me spontaneously going from pretty darn mentally healthy to devastatingly unhealthy in the space of a few weeks. Despite my therapist, the nurse on the phone, my doctor, the physician’s assistant I saw for the emergency follow-up appointment, and my wife all telling me it’s the medicine, it’s been an exercise in extreme trust in both myself and others that this is not me, but the medicine.
- The fact that I have little to no control over it. Of course, as a teen I couldn’t “control” my depression either. But with this medicine-induced depression, my therapist noted that it’s not situation-induced or even chemical imbalance-induced. I have to sit this out and wait; my normal coping mechanisms and strategies don’t work and don’t “speed it up” because it’s the medicine in my system causing it, not my brain. My therapist has encouraged me to allow myself to feel: “Stop trying to go around, under, or over it. You’re going to have to go through it.”
It’s been one hell of a ride so far. I’m fortunate to have an excellent therapist and empathetic doctor and an even more incredible wife to help me through a really disturbing few weeks of my life. My friends have been there for me, my Twitter followers and friends have showered positive gifs and silly pictures on me, my parents have video-chatted with me. With their support, it comes down to me being patient and riding this out.
This experience forced me to confront some really scary things from my childhood depression, but ultimately, I’m choosing to see this as a productive (not necessarily “positive”) experience. “HOW?” you ask?
Through this, I was forced to face the fact that one of my greatest fears in life is being depressed again. Of being in a place where I thought about suicide and couldn’t remember ever being happy. Through facing this fear (albeit against my will) I’ve realized that even if I face depression again, it will never be the same as it was as a teen. I am not a child anymore.
I’ve always said that anyone who truly wants to return to childhood isn’t remembering it accurately. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood. But children lack autonomy and control; they lack understanding of many things outside of their control. Their brains are not fully developed. They can’t always communicate what they are feeling and that they need help. They don’t know just how many options for help and treatment are out there.
Additionally, the nature of this coming-and-going depression has forced me to look a phenomenon straight in the face and stare at it unwaveringly. It’s a strange thing when you’re truly depressed: sometimes you literally can’t remember the feeling of happiness. Despite logically knowing it can’t be true, you can’t remember ever being happy. It’s your brain chemistry tricking you. The same is true when you’re not depressed: you truly can’t fully remember what it’s like to be in that bizarre mindset where everything is hopeless and nothing positive. Your brain doesn’t always reflect reality.
That’s part of why I’m writing this post. To remember.
I want to remember because I want to recall that–when I feel like this–it’s my brain that’s changing, not reality. In reality, there are so many people out there to help: therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, specialists, spouses, partners, friends, family, colleagues, internet friends, strangers… There are always options: seeking help, calling a hotline, going to see a doctor, going on medication, in my case: going off a medication, trying a different medicine, seeing a therapist, crowdfunding money to afford to seek services, going to the ER, being hospitalized, talking to friends, reaching out to a loved on, dropping some responsibilities, taking care of only what you have to, focusing on the basics, seeing a psychiatrist, moving back in with family… the list goes on and on. There are limitless possibilities, but my brain can’t see them when I’m blinded by fear.
But now, if I ever experience depression again–be it situational, longterm, clinical, medicine or hormone-induced, or otherwise triggered–I can look back at this post and have hope that those clouds will clear and I will be okay.
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA): 1-800-273-8255 (free, confidential, available 24/7) See their website for more details and options: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
- The Trevor Project (USA) 1-866-488-7386 (free, confidential, available 24/7) Texting and online chat also available! Great resource for LGBTQ+ youth. Go to https://www.thetrevorproject.org
- Crisis Text Line: here (USA)
- Hotlines by state: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
Lists of international suicide hotlines:
If you have trouble reaching out, cannot find a number, or have an unsatisfactory call experience, please do not give up. There is help; there are options. Try a different number, go to the closest emergency room, or call 9-1-1 (or your country’s emergency number).
[image description: A dark, cloudy day in Japan. The photo overlooks a small city with many buildings. Off in the distance, rolling mountain ranges cover the horizon. Bright rays of sun are shining through the dark clouds.]