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One Year Reflections

April marked one year of Seeking Sara! Can you believe it? (I still don’t!) I intended to write this post in time for the anniversary. Then by the end of April. Then by the end of May… and here we finally are on June 1st. Better late than never!

It’s been a very strange thing to reach such a huge milestone and goal, feeling so accomplished and proud, and then hit a huge, daunting wall. That wall had “Now what?” scrawled across it in bright, tacky, overpowering paint.

A grey, pealing wall with colorful text that says
It’s about time I start knocking down that wall.


1 Year Reflections

I’m sitting here in my first meet-up with a local writing circle, trying desperately to throw some ideas that might stick to the page—er, screen— and I’m reminded of lyrics from “Seasons of Love” from RENT.

“Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.

How do you measure… measure a year?”

So how do I measure this year? In followers? In views? In insights and number of blog posts?

Well, in this first year, my blog has been viewed 12,133 times by 6,537 readers. Wow!

But is that the best way to measure this past year? Should I look at metrics and agonize over how many posts each reader stuck around to read? Check out my social media accounts and tally followers? Count how many posts I’ve written?

No. That’s not why I write, and that’s not a full look into this past year. So just how do you measure a year?

I answer this question with the response in the RENT song:

“How about love?”

How about the community that I have been welcomed into? The friends I have made this year? Out of everything that has happened to me in this past year, finding lifelong friends within the Autistic community has been one of the single biggest highlights. The number of people I have connected with is quite honestly beyond my wildest imagination. Before my blog, before joining Twitter… I had no idea there were so many like-minded people (pun kind of intended. Sorry. Kind of.) just a mouse click away. I was just hoping for one new friend—one new person who thought like me. And I found hundreds.

This past April, Edge of the Playground (@EdgeofPlayground) and I collaborated with a bunch of Autistics to make a video that’s been viewed over 20,000 times across all platforms! If you had told me last year that I would get to edit and produce a positive video with a bunch of awesome Autistic folks for April, I would have laughed! I wouldn’t believe something like that could happen.

“How about love?”

The support I’ve found in those around me has been more than I could have asked for. I routinely have friends and acquaintances tell me they’ve read something on Seeking Sara that made them think, made them learn, and ultimately—helped them be a better ally to Autistics.

Friends and family agreed to do a series of interviews for Seeking Sara. Groups I’m in have embraced my wearing of noise-cancelling headphones at gatherings. Family friends recently gave me an early birthday gift, and it was something that shows they support and accept who I am.

It reminds me of another line from the song: “Remember a year in the life of friends”.

I’m simply blown away.

“How about love?”

So… it’s been a year. A year since I was feeling so lonely, isolated, angry… It’s startling to look back and remember what I was feeling last April. I felt so alone. There were so many things that I wanted to write and say and shout. But I felt trapped. It felt like I had duct tape over my mouth and a happy smiling mask where my face should be. The feeling of isolation was something I don’t wish on anyone.

I was telling a few people here and there about my diagnosis, but I felt like I had to carry a list of sources around with me to point at to say “Look, I’m serious! Believe me!” I didn’t feel equipped to deal with disbelief and despite being “officially” diagnosed, I didn’t fully trust myself. (Self-diagnosis is valid in a world where so many have been left behind and misdiagnosed!) It felt so strange to carry this secret around with me that I wanted so desperately to share.

If I told my past self that in a year’s time I would be editing and producing a video of Autistics, wearing noise-cancelling headphones out and about as I please, talking with tons of new Autistic friends, telling people I trust about being Autistic, and just so happy… I would never have believed it. But here I am. Surrounded by love.

“How about love?”

How about self-love? In this year, I have tackled topics on sensory issues, being ill as an Autistic, eating disorder treatment, and so much more. I’ve learned about myself, and through that process, I’ve learned to accept and embrace who I am more fully. I found part-time jobs that allow me to have the accommodations that I need, something I never would have considered asking for just a year ago. (I even wrote an article about it!)

I have profoundly changed during this past year. I have grown in more ways than I can truly examine in one single blog post.

I’m so happy to have you all along for the ride, and I truly treasure every reader who takes the time to read my little scribbles on a humble blog.

When I reflect on a year… it’s the love that’s made it so worth this milestone.

Thank you.

Autistic Collaboration Video!

“Who are autistic adults? Like you, we are each unique and you can find us in all parts of your everyday life, not just the stereotypical places you may expect. This April, we are proud to show how diverse autistic people are.” -Mikhaela

My friend and fellow Autistic Mikhaela Ackerman, who runs the blog Edge of Playground, and I have been meaning to collaborate for AGES now, and it finally happened! As April approached, we both found ourselves brainstorming ways to increase positive messages so that Autistics could see some wonderful things against the usual terrible things said about us this month.

Mikhaela had the wonderful idea to do this video, and I jumped at the chance. What a wonderful idea!! Please follow Mikhaela’s blog, Facebook, and Twitter. She is fantastic and very supportive and kind.

A transcript for this video is below.

A huge thank you, too, to the wonderful Autistic people who agreed to do this video!
You can find their information below:

Arianne Garcia– Stairway to STEM (@StairwaytoSTEM)
Yenn Purkis- Yenn Purkis’ Autism Books and Other Things.
Kylie Andrade- Life on the Spectrum
Shadia Hancock – Autism Actually
Kayla Smith – @beingkaylasmith
Adam Walton- The Proud Aspergian
Peri Savidge- Not Raingirl
Cynthia Zuber- The Neurodiverse Woman
Olivia- @chichirinuriko20 (YouTube)

#ActuallyAutistic #AutismAcceptance #AutismAcceptanceMonth

Transcript for “Who Are Autistic Adults?”, a collaboration by Edge of Playground (Mikhaela) and Seeking Sara: An Autistic’s Journey.

(guitar music)

A title screen with “Autistic Adults: Who We Are” written above a rainbow Neurodiversity infinity mark. The screen zooms out slowly to reveal a golden yellow background with many positive words on it including: creative, musicians, caring, proud, mentors, empathetic, thoughtful, spouses, hard workers, poets, interesting, funny, listeners, kind, authors, advocates, etc.

(soft drumming joins the guitar)

A black screen appears, then “A collaborative video organized by:” appears on the screen then fades.

A split screen with both creators’ information appears. On the left: A black background with “Edge of Playground, Tying your shoes is overrated” written and a picture of Mikhaela (a young, white woman) on a swing. A golden infinity mark is at the bottom of her side. On the right: A lilac purple background with the text “Seeking Sara: An Autistic’s Journey” at the bottom. A pink flower is next to a picture of Sara (a young white woman with blue hair), standing in front of Niagara Falls.

The text “Who are Autistic adults” appears on a black screen. (The guitar and drum music fade to the background and disappear.)

(Cheerful and gentle music begins)

Mikhaela (Edge of Playground) appears on screen wearing a floral top. “Autistic adults are everywhere. We are in all parts of your everyday life, even in places you might least expect. We are compassionate friends, artists, teachers, family members, professionals, and so much more.”

Sara (Seeking Sara) appears in front of a multi-colored Tie-dye backdrop. “Like you, we have different strengths and weaknesses. Our strengths are varied, and no two are the same. Success looks different for each person. And one is not better than the other.”

The screen cuts back to Mikhaela who says “We are Autistic people…”

Screen cuts back to Sara who says, “and we’re valuable.”

The screen cuts to black and the words, “Autistic people are just as varied as non-Autistics.”

Arianne, a young Latinx person with long hair appears “My name is Arianne, and I’m an Autistic adult. I’m an editorial board member for Stairway to STEM and a writer.”

The screen switches to Yenn, a white person who is wearing a bright blue top. “My name’s Yenn, and I’m an Autistic writer and advocate.”

Kylie, a young white woman, appears on screen sitting in an armchair. “My name is Kylie and I’m an Autistic advocate, aspiring public speaker, and blogger.”

Shadia, a young white woman with short curly red hair appears on screen wearing headphones. “My name is Shadia. I’m a proud Autistic advocate and I run my own consultancy and mentoring business, Autism Actually.”

Kayla, a young black woman with medium length hair appears on screen. “My name is Kayla Smith. And I am an Autistic adult. I am passionate about disability advocacy and fighting for Autistic rights.”

Adam, a white man with a mustache and beard, appears. “My name is Adam. I’m an Autistic writer, teacher, advocate, and supporter.”

The screen cuts back to Sara who says, “My name is Sara. And I’m an Autistic blogger. I like photography, books, and music. I loved in Japan for several years, and Japanese language is one of my passions.”

Peri, a white woman with dark hair appears. “Hi, my name is Peri. And I am a Autistic blogger. I am very passionate about writing and I feel like my Autism helps me express my feelings in writing like nobody else.”

Mikhaela reappears on screen. “My name’s Mikhaela. And I am an Autistic Corporate Compliance Officer. I am an Autistic advocate and also hold a Juris Doctorate in Law.”

Cynthia, a white woman with glasses and a winter hat and jacket appears. She is standing outside. “My name is Cynthia. I’m a blogger, writer, and advocate at The Neurodiverse Woman. I love to write. I love to cook. I love to be active and go on walks.”

Olivia, a black woman with buns in her hair, appears. “My name is Olivia. I love anime. I like studying Japanese. And I love animals! So yeah!”

Adam reappears and says, “I work for the government at the moment. And I used to work as an English teacher.”

Kylie reappears and says, “I’m creative, compassionate, hardworking, and an insightful individual.”

Shadia appears on screen and says, “I love animals, art, music, and writing. And my dream is to run my own rescue and rehabilitation sanctuary and provide animal-assisted therapy for Neurodivergent individuals.”

Cynthia says, “I love to play tennis, go to hear live music, and hang out with my pets.”

Mikhaela says, “My passions are traveling, reading, writing, and yoga. I’m also a certified yoga teacher.”

Sara appears and says, “I’m a very empathetic and compassionate individual who looks out for my friends.”

Arianne reappears and says, “I’m also an artist and musician. I’ve been singing since before I could talk and I’ve been playing clarinet for 17 years.” Arianne smiles widely at the camera.

The screen cuts to a black background with the words, “You are valued.” In big letters.

Credits begin to roll.

(guitar and drum music from the intro replays)

“Thanks for watching!! Organized by: Concept and Script’ Mikhaela Ackerman. Production and Editing: Sara Earhart. In order of appearance: Mikhaela, Edge of Playground. Sara, Seeking Sara. Arianne, Stairway to STEM. Yenn, Yenn Purkis’ Books. Kylie, Life on the Spectrum. Shadia, Autism Actually. Kayla, @BeingKaylaSmith. Adam, The Proud Aspergian. Peri-Ann, Not Raingirl. Cynthia, Neurodiverse Woman. Olivia, Olive the Lupus Patient.  Music credits: “Beyond the Line” by Benjamin Tissot, bensound.com. “Beautiful Morning” by Mixaund, mixaund.bandcamp.com

End of transcript.

Autism Speaks…

Ok, so…I’ve been debating how/if/when to address this for a full year now.

After all, one of the main reason I started this blog back in April 2018 was to respond to the disheartening wave of negative posts and videos I saw all across social media that month when no one knew I was Autistic. I’ve put it off this whole time because conflict makes me ridiculously anxious. But as April approaches, I feel the need to step up and speak out. It’s time to rip off the bandaid, just like I did last April when I came out as Autistic through this blog.

Please bear with me. I know for some of you this will be a very uncomfortable read. But I urge you to please listen to Autistics!

To put it bluntly: Autism Speaks does not speak for me. I am not a puzzle piece, and I do not “light it up blue.” I do not support eugenics and I reject the notion that Autistics need to be “fixed” or “cured.” (I support assistance, accommodation, and adaptation!)

Phew, ok. I said it.

Now… to address why. (Eek!)

So many others have already spoke about this, so I will use their resources rather than try to re-explain my reasoning. I urge you to check them out with an open mind and consider donating to and supporting other, Autistic-led organizations.

This video by Amythest Schaber (Ask an Autistic on YouTube and Neurowonderful on tumblr) from 2014 is a good place to start. The video raises fantastic points and is worth a watch, though some of the data shared is outdated. (More up-to-date info below and it’s not pretty.)

Here is an image from ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network), detailing how Autism Speaks uses their funds. Note that less that ONE POINT SIX PERCENT of funds is now devoted to family services…

A PDF image showing the breakdown of budget, showing Family Services funds to be less than 2%.

If you would like to hear more Autistic voices communicate their discomfort with Autism Speaks, feel free to check out this list of posts, A Roundup of Posts Against Autism Speaks.

***If you are still on the edge of whether or not to support Autism Speaks, please watch this video: I Am Autism. *** Ask yourself how Autistics feel watching this. (Hint: NOT GOOD.)

(Autistics… I recommend you do not watch it. It is horrific and it honestly makes me depressed and anxious. Please take care of yourself and stop or don’t watch.)

Funny how the only voices presented are “Autism’s” and parents. No Autistic people… hmm… it’s almost like they don’t value Autistic people’s thoughts and feelings…


Phew. Okay. I did it. In time for April 1st. Done.

If you—like me before my research into and subsequent diagnosis of ASD—currently or used to support Autism Speaks, please don’t hold onto guilt.

Instead, please consider arming yourself with facts, research Autism Speaks and alternative organizations, and pledge not to support organizations who speak about us rather than including us and amplifying our voices. (As ASAN says: “Nothing about us without us!”)

Please check out:

Autistic Women and Nonbinary Network

ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network)

Instead of “Light it up blue”, check out:

-Red Instead, #RedInstead

-Go Gold for Autism, #LightItUpGold, #GoingForGold

-Tone it down taupe #ToneItDownTaupe

Consider celebrating Autism Acceptance month!: https://www.autismacceptancemonth.com/about/

And of course, another way to support us is by following and listening to Autistic people.

You can find us on most platforms with the #ActuallyAutistic hashtag. If you have questions for us, you can use #AskingAutistics.

 


[Featured image credit: Photo by Bich Tran on Pexels]

27: Eating Disorder Treatment

I’ve now been in treatment for about a month. My first steps out the gate might be best described more as stumbles and falls, but every scrape I earn on the way down is a badge of honor that I hang proudly in my mental trophy room.

Why? Because each time I slip and fall, I learn something new and often profound about myself. And each time I get back up, I reenforce the fact that I can do this.

I have an eating disorder. And I’m gonna kick its butt!


[Content Warning: eating disorders, weight, food, restriction, bingeing, treatment]

It’s taken a lot (and I mean A LOT) of work to take my first steps in treatment. As I wrote in my first post about my eating disorder, I spent over a year in therapy after diagnosis of disordered eating before I finally felt ready to start treatment.

“I feel like I’m starting out across a tightrope, and I look down and there’s no net that I can see,”  I stated bluntly to my therapist.

“Sometimes I’m scared and I want to crouch down, grab the rope, and head back to safety. But everyone around me—friends in treatment and recovery, family, my wife, books I’m reading, my therapist—is assuring me that I am safe and there actually is a safety net below me. I just can’t see it yet. I just have to trust and keep going.”

A meme with a close-up of a pair of feet and legs of a person balanced on a tightrope. Text reads, "Eating disorder treatment feels like I'm starting out across a tightrope and there's no net that I can see. Sometimes I'm scared and want to head back to safety. Everyone is assuring me that I am safe and there actually is a net below me—I just can't see it yet. I just have to trust and keep going." The words keep going are bigger font.

And here’s the thing: no matter how many rational people you have in your court; no matter how logically you look at your eating at times, an eating disorder will try to whisper (sometimes shout) in your ear that those around you are wrong—that you are wrong. Learning to identify that voice takes a lot of work. It takes even more energy and trust to at least ignore that voice, if not fully defy it.

Some days I can laugh in its face and retort, “You are losing and you know it. That’s why you’re so loud. Shout away!” Other days I cower and bow to the voice, agreeing with it for a moment if only to gain some temporary peace.

And it’s strange… treatment is hard. It can be scary. It’s utterly exhausting. Yet so far, treatment has been far, far less scary than my enormous dread of seeking help was.

I spent so long dreading and fighting the thought of treatment, but a huge part of me feels relief at tackling something that I’ve struggled with for eighteen years. While it’s scary to admit I have an eating disorder, it’s also incredibly liberating. As I do the hard work of therapy, it’s often exhausting and sometimes overwhelming, but it also comes with an all-consuming relief that I can’t quite describe.

Initial Steps of My Treatment

1) Six Meals

I started a six meal a day routine, eating three small meals labeled merely as Meal 1, Meal 2, and Meal 3, and three small snacks a day. This is fairly common in treatment. One of the benefits can be reawakening hunger cues that a body has stopped sending for people who have restricted.

I went into the routine thinking it would be very easy, but also feeling like that was a lot of food to eat. (Interesting how an eating disorder will whisper conflicting information in your ear. Once you start to catch on to its little inconsistencies, it starts to lose its grip on you ever so slightly.)

Through this task, I realized that anorexia has played much more of a role in my life than I had realized, and that my bingeing was often a symptom of both conscious and subconscious restricting.

This was a huge revelation for me because: A) I had always thought of it in reverse, that my bingeing lead to restricting out of shame and B) I had the false assumption that someone has to be underweight to be anorexic. (That is NOT the case at all. Anyone of any size or shape can be diagnosed with anorexia.)

I printed out a chart when I realized how difficult it was to remember to eat and how hard it was to hold myself accountable for it. I worked out the math: I needed to eat something every 2-3 hours or so. The only problem? Seeing what I was eating on paper made me fixate too much on WHAT I was eating. But my fear—that I needed to change everything about my eating habits all at once—was unfounded.

My therapist reassured me that we were breaking things into manageable steps. “Right now, just focus on when you eat, not what. Addressing nutrition comes later!” I was so relieved because she was right—focusing on what I was eating in addition to starting this new routine that challenged 18 years of restricting and bingeing was too much. It was setting me up to crash and burn.

2) Talking to my doctor

Another victory came at a follow-up appointment with my primary care physician. This was not strictly part of my therapy, but I made it part of it because I trust my doctor.

Toward the end of my appointment, I had worked up my courage. “There is one more thing. Something I think you should be aware of as my GP.” I took a huge breath and continued.

“I’m in treatment for an eating disorder and I’ve begun a six small meals a day plan in order to return my hunger cues and manage my restricting and bingeing. So far it’s helped a lot to identify that I wasn’t eating as much as I thought I was which was leading to binge eating. So far it’s helped a lot with dizziness and hypoglycemia.”

I paused and finally looked at him.

“That’s great! Most people should be eating 4 to 5 small meals a day rather than the 3 we do. And if you ever want to try medication, there are some that can help with binge eating.”

I could almost hear my eating disorder groan at this response (it had hoped he would shoot me down and I’d have an excuse to stop treatment), but ultimately I was relieved.

“Thank you! I think treatment is going well so far, so I’ll wait on medication, but it’s good to know there are options. Also…” I paused again, looking down at the notes I had written for the appointment, “I… would like to stop being weighed. It’s very triggering for me; It makes me struggle with restricting more. And it’s hard to avoid seeing it on my charts.”

I held my breath the beat it took him to answer.

“Absolutely. No need to take your weight.”

Phew! Another ally in my court.

3) Challenging the voice of my eating disorder

I have made quite a lot of headway in this regard, but am finding it the most difficult part of treatment. For so long, there’s been this negative narrative in my head regarding food, weight, perfectionism, and control. Identifying that voice was an overwhelming experience as I wrote down all the terrible things that voice says to me.

The next step after learning to separate the eating disorder “voice” from my own has been a little harder. I’m now starting to “reply” to it with snark like “Gee, what a terrible suggestion. Thanks, but no thanks!”

And as a close friend of mine pointed out:  the more progress I make, the more my eating disorder is going to fight to survive. It knows it’s losing, and it will do anything to survive.

But joke’s on it—I’m stronger. And certainly sassier!

4) Journalling and continuing to read

I write notes in my journal about what my goals from therapy are and reminders of things to do and not do. That’s been essential to keeping on track and reminding myself it’s okay when I slip up. I also reflect on things I’ve learned in the books I am reading as part of treatment.

Journalling has also helped me to connect some dots on how my eating disorder controls a vast variety of things in my life. I’ve been astounded, for example, to realize how much my eating is tied to my perfectionism and anxiety, and in some ways, my OCD tendencies.

For example, my need to follow difficult tasks through until the bitter end no matter if I want to or not is slowly, ever so slowly budging. I recently had a small but mighty victory of “cheating” while reading one of my books and skipping over a section that was triggering to me. In the past, I would have slogged through that section to be “self-disciplined” (strange as that sounds) even when my mind and body were signaling “This is not what we need right now!”

Journaling also helped me to realize that binge-eating had been a way to stress-stim for me, and that without it I was much more anxious. It showed me that I needed to start stimming as self-care: coloring, squishing clay and silly putty, singing, flapping my hands, holding fluffy stuffed animals, etc.

I see these victories as tied to my treatment in a very real way, and I wouldn’t have noticed them without journalling. The journal also gives me a place to record moments I’d like to share in therapy, and a place to look back on to see how far I’ve already come.

I’ve got a long road ahead, but for now, I am so happy to look back and see how far I’ve already come.

A meme of a forest path with a blue square of text over it. Text reads, "I have an eating disorder. I began subconsciously using food to cope with sensory overload, to avoid meltdowns and shutdowns, and to find some sense of control in my life. As I start down my long path to recovery, I am reaching out to others to say "You are not alone." I have an eating disorder...and I'm going to kick its butt."

26: Sick While Autistic

Ah, cold and flu season. Never fun for anyone, but doubly less so for many Autistic people. I’m currently experiencing a particularly nasty virus and it’s been an interesting time reflecting on sickness while in bed with a virus for the first time since my diagnosis as Autistic. I’ve noticed a lot and it’s helped me unpack a lot of shame (and a little trauma) from a childhood of fairly frequent illnesses.

[Content warning: brief mention of trauma (in last bullet point), mental health complications of being sick (second bullet point).]

So let’s unpack some of it together, shall we?

    • First let’s consider that many Autistic people have chronic illnesses and conditions like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue/M.E., Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, etc. We may seldom feel well on an average day, but may have learned to more-or-less cope with being chronically ill. Add in extra unpleasantness that only exacerbates our symptoms and we are champions for getting through any additional illness.
    • Consider also that many of us also have chronic mental health obstacles like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and more. The point made above applies equally to mental illness. We have a lot to deal with on a healthier day and added illness makes that fight more difficult.
    • Give some thought too to the terrible sensory components of being ill: inflammation, pain, fever/chills, aches, pressure, various disgusting fluids, the feel of a stuffy nose, sweating, headaches, being more overwhelmed by sounds, changes in sense of smell or taste, etc. For someone with Sensory Processing Disorder, that can be a lot. It can be so incredibly overwhelming and can induce panic and anxiety attacks.
    • When sick, routines get chucked out the window. Many Autistic people thrive on the familiarity, predictability, and comfort of routine. One of our biggest comforts that allows us to mask and tolerate a good deal is suddenly and completely thrown out the window!!
    • Brain fog from feeling unwell makes it incredibly hard to mask and communicate. Masking and communicating as an Autistic person can be a near-constant game of mental gymnastics and being sick makes it even more difficult to play that game.
    • Everything listed above puts us several leaps closer to meltdowns and shutdowns. People who might ordinarily have a few a year might find themselves much more likely to have them. (Also see my piece on 2: Meltdowns & Pillars to understand why this is.)
    • We may experience extreme changes in our ability to do things we normally can. We may struggle to speak, regulate or identify emotions, eat unfamiliar foods, avoid meltdowns, communicate efficiently, etc. And those abilities may change rapidly and often while sick.
    • Lastly, consider the fact that many Autistics may have some level of trauma associated with being ill for a vast variety of reasons. I myself had several horrible bouts of illness as a child that were frightening for me. I also have gone through more medical testing than many people twice my age and things associated with being ill can make me incredibly scared and childlike.
    Phew, that’s a lot going on, right??

    So what can we as a sick Autistic or a caregiver of a sick Autistic person do?

    1) Validate and praise

    Really look at the list above of reasons why being sick as an Autistic might be extremely challenging:

    -If you are being hard on yourself, please try to be patient with yourself and validate your feelings. It’s really hard to be sick. You’re doing well, and you’re going to get through this! Make a list of things you’re doing well: taking meds, sleeping a lot, drinking fluids, keeping calm, etc.

    -If you are caring for an Autistic, please have patience. We might seem “dramatic” or “childish” from your perspective, but I challenge you to exercise empathy (lol here) and patience as you imagine what we may be going through. Validate the Autistic’s experience by saying things like “This is a really hard thing that you’re going through, but you’re doing such a great job. I’m proud of you for hanging in there.” Praise the efforts of the Autistic, even if they seem like small things to you. Do NOT make comments belittling the experience. If you need to, step away for a while (when safe) and practice some self care until you are calmer.

    2) Consider temperature, texture, and taste

    When ill, the very best things for me personally to combat the unpleasantness of sensory discomfort are the three T’s:

    Temperature: Using a cool washcloth or a heating pad can give me some feeling of control over my body and my pain. Drinking a hot or cold liquid can also help to ground me and take some panic away. Taking a shower or bath can help majorly too.

    Texture: Soothing stuffed animals, squishing silly putty, wearing fuzzy PJs, etc. are all small things that can make a big difference in keeping calm.

    Taste: Using hard-candies like peppermint can help remind the body to stay present! (Be sure that you will not fall asleep and choke!) Sweet drinks or teas help me a lot too as do flavored things like Jello or similar.

    3) Make a surrogate routine

    Keep whatever you can in a routine–mealtimes, bedtime routines, etc. But of course many things will not be able to happen as usual. Try to make a temporary schedule with similar activities. For example, schedule times to read together when English class would normally happen.

    If that fails, make a temporary schedule anyway! Examples of things to include could be: take temperature, take medicine, drink fluids, watch TV show, sleep, rest time, Skype friend/family, shower or bathe, sensory time, etc. Knowing what’s coming up with some degree of certainty can help so much and it’s great to have a reminder of when you need to take medicine and when you last drank fluids.

    4) Chart a sick calendar

    For whatever reason, I know logically that I will get well, but on some level, I don’t. Being sick is such an all-consuming, exhausting, and sometimes scary thing for me. I need reassurance that I will get well soon.

    One thing I suggest is printing a week calendar and asking a loved one or doctor to help write out things like when the illness started, benchmarks for when the Autistic will probably be able to do certain things again, and a goal when they will probably feel much better. Feel free to make the benchmarks a period of a few days if you worry about making false promises.

    Knowing how long you have to endure something is the biggest step toward tolerating it.

    5) Make being sick less awful

    Pamper yourself or the Autistic. Watch some TV or a movie. Eat something yummy you normally save for special occasions. Play some video games.

    Now is a time for rest and relaxation. Put off whatever you can until another day. Those emails will still be there when you’re well. So will school projects and deadlines. If something is overwhelming, put it aside and do something to “indulge” in being sick: take naps, play games, etc.

    Take care of you because you are so so important.

25: I have an eating disorder.

Trigger and content warning: eating, food, weight, eating disorder, bingeing, restricting, treatment, recovery.

I have an eating disorder.

It’s taken me a full year to reach a place where I can say that sentence out loud, but now that I have, I feel a tiny piece of its hold on me slowly peeling away. I was diagnosed well over a year ago, but have only started the nitty-gritty of treatment very recently.

So why am I writing about it on my blog?

Well, for one thing, my blog is a place that I can go to write what I’m feeling and it helps me to process things in a constructive way. In a big way, this space has always and will always be for me. A big part of Autistically Alex is unraveling myself and finding out who I am inside. (Alexa, play the Mulan soundtrack!)

But I also want to be open about it because if it weren’t for people in my life being open about their own struggles, treatments, and roads to recovery (including potholes along the way), I never would have been brave enough to seek help. So another massive reason I am being open about this topic is in order to reach out to others to say, “You are not alone.”

The last big reason I am writing about my disordered eating on Autistically Alex is that it is not unrelated to being Autistic. I began subconsciously, (then more consciously, but to my deep shame and suffering) using food, bingeing, restricting, and overall disordered eating to cope with sensory overload, to avoid meltdowns and shutdowns, and to find some sense of control in my life.

Bingeing has become a type of self-harm stim to me. Restricting has become a way to control at least something in my life when I so frequently am overwhelmed by the world around me, not to mention my various health issues and disabilities. But these are not healthy or productive ways to cope. The fact that I can see that now is not a small baby step, but a giant, giant leap toward my long marathon run toward recovery.

One reason I avoided seeking help for so long is the uncanny ability eating disorders have to convince you that they are no big deal. Cycles of denial and acceptance are pretty much guaranteed companions during anyone’s treatment and recovery. I have no doubts that I will struggle back and forth for months–and probably years–to come, but now that I know that and accept that, it makes it easier to cope.

So how did I decide I really did have a problem I needed to address?

I’ve known for a long time, but the final tipping point was a journal assignment my therapist gave to me. The prompt was, “What is your relationship with food like? Write a letter as if it were a real person.” The two images below are my letter to food.

(If you are using a screen reader, please click the images. Alt-text is attached.)
An image of a purple notebook page with text on it. The date reads January 1, 2019. Above the date is a branch with red buds. Text reads, "Dear Food, We need to talk. My relationship with you has been unhealthy for 18 years. It's true that I can't live without you, but sometimes you make me feel like I can't live with you either. You are nourishment, energy, life, necessity. You are addictive, controlling, an unhealthy coping mechanism. I need you. I love you. I hate you. I hate that I need you. You provide me with escape... and yet I can't seem to escape you. The solace you provide is temporary and leaves behind regret, frustration, and a shame.
The second page of the letter reads, "Where you soothe, you also blister. You are a gulp of cool water laced with poison. We need to talk. We have 28 years to evaluate--18 of them troubled. You know I won't ever leave you, but things between us are about to change. I can't leave, but I can loosen your hold on me. I will no longer use you as a crutch that feeds me lies and self-hate. We need to talk. Sara." Beside Sara's name is a graphic of a pen. Under her name is a branch with blossoming red flowers.

Was I shocked by what I wrote? Extremely. What started out as a seemingly-silly therapy homework assignment that I was doing only grudgingly soon pulled emotions up from deep within me as the words cascaded onto the page. What I expected to be a few lines or bullet points in my journal turned into a chilling look at how I really felt. It captured the push-and-pull, back-and-forth, ebb-and-flow love/hate relationship that I’ve been running from since I was 10.

But, like I said: Denial and acceptance are at constant war within me. The next day, I was back to the complacent “I’m fine” attitude. But this time… I had something to look back on. I looked at that letter and felt those same feelings rising up in me again. And suddenly… I couldn’t turn back. I couldn’t go back to believing everything was fine…

But more importantly, I didn’t want to.

So what now?

Well, I’m diving in to treatment head-first with my therapist, continuing to journal (no matter how silly a prompt seems), talking with my loved ones who have eating disorders, doing seemingly small things like asking doctors not to tell me my weight, and reading lots.

I’m cycling back and forth between two books:

The simple yellow cover of Body Respect: What conventional health books get wrong, leave out, and just plain fail to understand about weight. By Linda Bacon and Lucy Aphramor.

1) Body Respect by Linda Bacon, PhD and Lucy Aphramor, PhD and RD (Amazon link here).

The pretty yet simple white cover of Life Without Ed: How one woman declared independence from her eating disorder and how you can too. By Jenni Schaefer.

2) The 10th anniversary edition of Life Without Ed by Jenni Shaefer (Amazon link here).

Cycling between the two has been invaluable to me so far. Body Respect challenges our views of weight, fatness, calorie counting, dieting and more, while Life Without Ed shows me that I am not alone, shows me recovery is possible, and teaches me very practical techniques that I can use.

Getting to Know the Enemy

One of the most important things I have learned from Life Without Ed so far is the concept of naming my eating disorder. By doing this, I can begin to separate out thoughts and impulses that are genuinely mine and which are from the eating disordered part of my brain. It also gives me something to roll my eyes at and tell to go away!

One exercise I did once I named my disorder was to write down all the things it says to me. Once again, what I thought was kind of a silly activity turned into me easily writing a page and a half of terrible things that it says to me–and has done for 18 years. That was another eye-opening moment for me and one that will stick with me throughout treatment and well past recovery.

So there you have it. I have an eating disorder.

But I’m not terrified like I have been for years. I feel anxious. Sometimes I feel powerless. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it. Occasionally I still feel denial. But now I know how to recognize these feelings and thoughts as products of my eating disorder, not myself.

I have an eating disorder… and I’m going to kick its butt.

A meme with a photograph of a sunny path through the woods. Text reads, "I have an eating disorder. I began subconsciously using food to cope with sensory overload, to avoid meltdowns and shutdowns, and to find some sense of control in my life. As I start down my long path to recovery, I am reaching out to others to say "You are not alone."I have an eating disorder...and I'm going to kick its butt."

[Featured image, image description: A photograph of a sunny path in the woods with shadows from the trees stretching across it. Text reads “Starting Down My Path to Recovery. Seeking Sara.”]

How to Be an Accessibility Ally: Screen Readers

When I first started blogging, I had no idea that there were some simple steps I could take to make my posts much more accessible to my audience. I began adding descriptions to images on WordPress and Twitter and found that it’s really simple. I (naively) figured that most sites must be describing images that way. Then I met my friend Elyana who helped me test run some Voiceover software on my phone and I became painfully aware of how inaccessible most images are on the web.

Elyana has been gracious enough to teach me some basics about creating a more accessible space for visually-impaired and blind people on the internet, and she agreed to do an interview on the subject. I hope that you will take her words to heart and follow some easy steps that make the difference between accessible content and inaccessible content.

Following the interview are some how to visual guides for sighted allies who want to learn how to make their content more accessible. Happy reading!


Accessibility Interview: Elyana Ren

1) What is a screenreader and how does it work?

Elyana: Screen readers give blind and visually-impaired people access to computers, phones, and smart devices. A screen reader is a software program that interfaces with an operating system to render the visual elements (i.e. what’s on screen) into text that is ‘read’ out by a synthesized voice or which can be read on a connected braille display. The screen reader user then uses the keyboard to interact with those elements.

I would like to take this time to point out that, while most screen reader users are blind or deaf-blind, this does not mean that some don’t navigate by using residual vision (with or without magnification software.) Likewise, most screen reader users just use speech to navigate, but many use speech and braille or only braille, in the case of some deaf-blind people. But the concept is still the same: screen readers take what is on screen and present it to the user in a format that is accessible to them.

Note: The following video was created by Sara to give an example of how a screen reader might read text and image descriptions. It is a highly abridged version of what most screen readers can do.

To navigate around a website, for example, the screen reader relies on the HTML code of the page to tell it how to ‘speak’ the elements to the user. Websites tag multi-level headings, links, form fields, buttons, images, and other elements, and screen readers can read that data to the user. If, for example, I were on the Seeking Sara blog, I could hit the letter H and my screen reader will jump from heading to heading, allowing me to scroll through blog titles in the same way someone would scan visually. Once I’ve found the title I was looking for, I can simply use a keystroke to click on it and then read it by either using the arrow keys (like one would in a word document) or using another command to jump from paragraph to paragraph.

The same concept is applicable to screen readers on smartphones and tablets, such as Voiceover for iOS. Basically, when a screen reader is enable on a smartphone, it adds a sort of overlay atop of what is shown on screen so that the user can hear what is under their finger before they click on it. Then, like with letter navigation on the computer, we can use gestures to have the screen reader read out different things, such as headings, words, or characters.

2) What kind of obstacles do you encounter on the internet? What sites are generally inaccessible for you?

Elyana: As mentioned above, screen readers rely on the underlying HTML code of websites to communicate to the user what is on screen so that  the user is able to interact with that content. One of the biggest barriers to accessibility is when things are improperly labeled or not labeled at all. For instance, some sites are completely graphically-driven, meaning that all my screen reader will see and read back to me is a giant image — even if there is text visually on screen. I don’t know enough about web coding to provide exact details on how to fix this, but I have seen enough wonderfully accessible sites to know that it is completely doable.

Another thing that makes navigating sites a little more difficult is videos that autoplay. Not only is it distracting, but screen reader users usually rely on speech output, so it is very difficult to do anything if all I can hear is an ad for the latest game or something. Some web browsers do make it so that you can do a keystroke and it will mute the active tab, but not all of them (as far as I know).

3) What are some of the most accessible sites for you? What do they do that makes the difference for you?

Elyana: The best sites are designed inclusively. This means that they take the time to make sure that everything on their site is accessible not only to screen readers, but also to people with other accessibility needs. This means that everything behind the scenes is properly labeled but also that visual elements, like graphics, background and text contrast, text size, and font choice are also taken into consideration.

4) What is alt-text? What is an image description?

Elyana: Essentially, alt text is a tag someone can add to an image that will make it accessible. I hesitate to call it a caption, because I feel like the trend nowadays is to use captions to comment on a photo rather than describe it. So this is where an image description comes into play. An image description, which is basically what it sounds like: text that describes an image for blind and visually-impaired people, is placed in the alt text field of an image in the HTML code of a website to tell a screen reader to read the description aloud. Otherwise, a screen reader would just read the metadata (i.e. time stamp/file name) of a photo, or simply read it as “image,” neither of which gives us access to said photo.

5) What makes a good image description?

If I’m being honest, image descriptions are so under-used that I get excited when I see any described photo; however, there are certain elements that make a description more effective than others. Some descriptions I have seen are as brief and to the point as “A girl collecting leaves in a wagon,” providing enough of an overview that I can synthesize it with whatever post it is attached to. Some can be longer, such as “A young blonde girl in brightly colored clothing collecting autumn leaves in her shiny red wagon”, which gives me a better understanding of the perspective or mood of the photo. So for me, a good description does not depend upon length as much as it does on helping me understand the aim of the image.

The image in Elyana's example. A young blonde girl in brightly colored clothing collecting autumn leaves in her shiny red wagon.

6) Some people may be hesitant to use certain things in descriptions, such as color. Should people worry about those things? Is there anything you personally don’t want to be in a description?

I can’t speak for everyone, but I don’t want people to feel hesitant or worried about using language that talks about visual things around me — not just in image descriptions but in everyday conversation. For me, color is just another tool I have in my vocabulary of descriptors. So I guess the short answer is: I can’t think of anything I don’t want in a description because anything that can go in a description is just providing me with a deeper understanding of the image.

7) What are some other ways people can make the internet more accessible for visually-impaired and Blind people?

I think one of the things people might not realize is that not all images that are just blocks of text on a colored background are not necessarily accessible to us. There are apps that strip text from pictures, and Facebook has added a layer of accessibility to help parse some memes, but most of them are just an image that screen readers can’t read. One of things that would help is adding a description to those types of images. It can be as simple as typing the text in the body of the post or, in the case of Facebook, pinning a comment to the post in question.

Another thing that is helpful is to capitalize the first letter of every word in a hashtag because screen readers will read each word separately instead of trying to string together all the letters into a mush of phonemes. For example: when my screen reader sees: #allforoneandoneforall” it tries to put all of the vowels together, resulting in me hearing: “alforowndeenodanaforal.” But when the hashtag is written like this: “#AllForOneAndOneForAll,” my screen reader knows to separate out the words, resulting in me hearing “all for one and one for all” as intended.

Final comments from Prismatic:

The last thing I’d like to say is that I appreciate all of Sara’s work to make her content more screen-reader-friendly. I can’t speak for other access needs, or any other blind person, but I am very grateful for creators who go out of their way to ask their audience what they need to be able to participate in their content.

Finally, thank you all for reading this post! I know that it can be a hard thing to remember sometimes, or maybe a hard thing to go back and fix, but really, I just ask that you try to use some of these tips moving forward. I am open for questions or discussion and am happy to provide feedback on your content if you want. I can also provide funny screen reader fails, because they can be pretty awesome!


ABOUT ELYANA

Elyana and her yellow lab guide dog. Yana is laughing with joy as her dog turns to lick her face. Yana wears a green Hufflepuff sweater and a plaid hat.

Elyana Ren is a proud Hufflepuff and unquenchable bookworm. She grew up in the middle of the Pacific, but found herself after moving to the Pacific Northwest. Her works feature the authentic experience of being disabled, neurodivergent, and queer. When she isn’t writing, she uses the creative arts to empower others to trust and love their own voice. Elyana can be found on Twitter @aprismuncovered and on www.aprismuncovered.wordpress.com. If she isn’t there, she is probably in the company of a few good books, her guide dog, and her collection of plushies. Actually, always check there first.


Below are some visual guides created to help sighted people turn on and use image description options.

How To Add Image Descriptions on WordPress

A visual guide detailing how to add alt image text to images on WordPress.
EDIT: YOU CAN ADD ALT TEXT TO FEATURED IMAGES! Go to EDIT–>Featured Image (on the righthand side of the screen)–> After you assign a featured image, hover over the pencil icon to edit–> Add in description in Alt Text box!

How To Add Image Descriptions on Twitter via Computer or Phone

For Twitter’s explanation (without image guide) including Android instructions: https://help.twitter.com/en/using-twitter/picture-descriptions

A visual guide detailing how to add alt image text to images on Twitter from a computer.

 

A visual guide detailing how to add alt image text to images on Twitter from a computer.

Yenn’s Autism Show: Sara Earhart

I recently had the awesome opportunity to be interviewed by Yenn Purkis–Autistic author, blogger, presenter, and advocate. Their podcast is called The Yenn Purkis Autism Show (Formerly known as Jeanette’s Autism Show at the time of recording.)

In this episode, we chatted about blogging, the Autistic community, identity, and more!

Click the link or picture below to be redirected to the podcast! Both open in a new tab. (WordPress isn’t allowing me to embed the podcast here for whatever reason.)

The interview: https://jeanettepurkis.podbean.com/e/jeanettes-autism-show-sara-earhart/

A screenshot image of the podcast player showing Sara's interview. The title reads

Yenn’s links:

Podcast channel: https://jeanettepurkis.podbean.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jeanettepurkisbooks/
Blog: https://yennpurkis.home.blog/
Website: www.jeanettepurkis.com
Twitter: @yennpurkis

We hope you’ll enjoy!

[Featured image description: On the lefthand side is a picture of Sara in front of Niagara Falls. Sara has sunglasses on top of her blue hair, noise-cancelling headphones around her neck, and a plushie duck in her hands. On the right is a blue box with the words “Podcast Interview. Talking about Autistic identity and community, blogging, gender, and more! The Yenn Purkis Autism Show: Sara Earhart” A small drawing of Yenn is pictured in black and white. They have their eyes closed and are smiling widely while holding a framed picture of their apartment.]

24: Ritalin, My Life-raft

What started as a series of sleep and nap studies ended in me getting parts of my life back, some of which I hadn’t realized were missing.

In a similar fashion to my ASD diagnosis—where I described the road to diagnosis as “a journey of good luck, strange happenstance, and unexpectedly compassionate therapists“—serendipity, happenstance, and listening to my gut also led to my being diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).

Confused? I don’t blame you. Here’s what happened:
(Feel free to skip this next section if you just want to read about my Ritalin experience.)


HOW A SLEEP DISORDER DIAGNOSIS LED TO AN ADD DIAGNOSIS

“Sleep disorder, unspecified. Hypersomnia.” I looked down at the sleep study report the doctor had just handed to me. Underneath a big block of medical lingo were those two lines that I squinted at with confusion.

“Hypersomnia?” I asked. “So… like the opposite of ‘insomnia’? You’d said I probably had narcolepsy. Why is the sleep disorder unspecified?”

“Yes, exactly,” she replied. “Based on your nap study, we can see that you clearly have extreme excessive daytime sleepiness and difficulty remaining awake. We suspected narcolepsy, but you didn’t enter REM sleep in your nap trials, despite falling asleep very rapidly in all of them. But regardless, the treatment will be the same as it would for narcolepsy. I’m going to prescribe you a drug called ‘Provigil.’ It’s commonly prescribed for shift workers and narcoleptics. I had a narcoleptic woman start taking it recently and she said it changed her life!”

As I held the first dose, I was anxious, but excited. This medicine had the potential to “fix” me—at least for a while at a time.

I finally worked up the courage to take it, then got busy while waiting the 30-60 minutes it would take to work. In about 30 minutes, I felt an extreme lethargy slowly washing over me. I became even more drowsy than usual, and began to enter a numb shutdown mode.

I felt like I had dived into a deep pool; everything was muffled and cold around me, but I slowly surfaced back up to alertness as the medicine wore off.

The next day, I was determined to try again. “A fluke,” I thought. “I was just too nervous when I took it.” But the same thing happened. It made me feel so strange, having the complete opposite reaction to something.

One text to a family friend (who’s a pharmacist) later, and I had my answer. “Paradoxical reaction/effect” was a real thing! I wasn’t imagining it. It was a rare side effect (2% kind of rare), but it was real and it had happened to others. My doctors told me to stop taking the medicine immediately.

The reaction led me to researching paradoxical reactions, reading about stimulants, and searching on forums for others with similar reactions. I found that some people with ADHD/ADD had had similar reactions. Many of the experiences they described sounded like lines written from my own life. I started to wonder if ADD could be one of the final pieces to understanding my brain. (Note: Anyone can experience a paradoxical effect, not just people with ADD/ADHD.)

My sleep doctor suggested we try Ritalin next. This made me pause. “Should I be talking to my therapist before I start Ritalin?” I wasn’t sure if I should be evaluated by a psychiatrist before starting it, just in case I did have ADHD/ADD.

I decided I should after talking with a fellow Autistic friend diagnosed with ADHD. We talked until 4 AM because things were just finally clicking into place. There were so many “Ah hah!” moments and I began to feel just like I did when I realized I might be Autistic: denial, excitement, dread, grief, anxiety, and finally—utter relief.

So, I brought it up to all 3 of my team: therapist, GP, and sleep doctor. My therapist assessed me and confirmed that I have ADD. My GP agreed to help with dosing for ADD, using the old “killing two birds with one stone” metaphor. My sleep doctor was all for it.

Holding that first dose felt like I was standing on a towering springboard at the edge of the pool. Would I sink to the bottom again? I worked up my courage and took the first dose… and started my new normal.

RITALIN, MY LIFE-RAFT

It turns out that Ritalin works for me. Like, really, really works. Not only does it banish at least 75% of my chronic fatigue while it’s active, it makes me alert and awake, and allows me to function an entire day without crippling sleepiness and an absolute need to nap. I had forgotten what it felt like to be fully awake. For the last decade, it was rare that I could make it through a single day without napping. Now I can do it with relative ease. I’m finding that the day has so many more hours than I remember it having!!

But what happens to my mind is equally as life-changing.

My whole life, I’ve been treading water. I’ve been fighting so many currents, trying to stay afloat. I’ve been fighting to stay afloat, feebly trying to snatch at tasks and getting bowled over by the tide.

A picture of teal waves with lots of foam. Text reads, "Ritalin is my life raft. It keeps me afloat so that I don't struggle to function at a very basic level. When I'm on it, I'm not flailing around aimlessly in the water. I move in a single current with direction and ease."

Ritalin is my life preserver, my life raft. It keeps me afloat so that I don’t have to struggle to function at a very basic level. When I’m on it, I’m not flailing around aimlessly in the water. I move in a single current with direction and ease.

Jumbled thoughts and impulses used to crowd in all around my mind, each demanding to be attended to all at once. My mind would flit from task to task, leaving half-finished projects in my wake. I struggled to begin, switch, and end tasks. Sometimes, I would get so hyper-focused on a single task that hours would pass me by. I labelled myself undisciplined, lacking self control, distracted, impulsive, and lazy.

Since starting Ritalin, I’ve felt my confidence soar, my anxiety levels plummet, and my outlook on life brighten. I’ve been able to look at myself through an even more accurate lens than with just my ASD diagnosis. I’m not lazy; I’ve been working hard just to function. I’m not undisciplined; my mind is moving too fast to focus on one thing for very long. I’m not unusually lacking in self control; I have ADD.

Now begins my quest to adapt to my new normal. For so long now, my life has been built around my excessive sleepiness and exhaustion. It’s been built around my need to hide my frantic, scatter-brained, hyperactive, 90 mph anxiety-inducing mind and my hyper-focused binges. But now that I have the life raft that is Ritalin to help keep me afloat, I can start focusing on things I haven’t dreamt of in a decade.

(…Yes, pun intended.)

Video: Meltdowns & Shutdowns

Did you know that I have a Seeking Sara YouTube channel?

I make videos rather infrequently but am happy only making a few a year since writing is the medium that works best for me! Please enjoy.

What do I experience in a meltdown? What is a shutdown? What are pillars and how does paying attention to them help lessen my meltdowns/shutdowns?

 

Also, in case you missed it, I was recently published on both Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism (here) and The Mighty! (here)

 

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